Is it me?
I can't explain.
Hello, Agent Shagwell.
Where's Austin?
I must've said something wrong, so he just left all of a sudden.
Listen, I don't want you getting too close to Austin.
It’s not meant to be.
I don't get too close to anybody, Basil.
My interest in this case is purely professional.
Good.
Then you won't mind tracking down Fat Bastard tonight.
No problem.
We need you to plant this homing device on him...
by any means necessary.
No problem.
Keep up the good work.
Remember, by any means necessary.
Look at yourself.
You used to be so virile.
You were a swinger, man.
And now you're nothing.
But at least it can't get any worse.
Well, surprise, surprise, huh!
Look at that meal.
I’m dead sexy. Look at my sexy body.
Oh, look, I’m like a singer.
Oh, sexy man, sexy man
Eating like a sexy man can
By the way, would you like some chicken?
I’ve got more.
No, thanks.
What have we got here?
Done with that. All right, that's done.
Remember, by any means necessary.
Frisky, are we?
Give it up!
Ladies and gentlemen...
we're about to begin phase two of our evil project...
or is it phase-- I don't know phases.
Anyways, this is the phase...
in which we put a giant “laser” on the moon.
As you know, the moon rotates around the Earth, like so.
When the moon reaches...
its appropriate lunar alignment...
it will destroy Washington D.C.
You see, I’ve turned the moon...
into what I like to call a “Death Star.”
-What? -Nothing, Darth.
What did you call me?
Nothing. Rip-off!
Bless you.
Anyways, the key to this plan is the giant laser.
It was invented by the noted Cambridge physicist Dr. Parsons.
Therefore, we shall call it the Alan Parsons Project.
Oh, my God.
What now?
The Alan Parsons Project is a progressive rock band in 1982.
Why don't you just call it “Operation Wang Chung,” ass?
What should we--
I’m sure “Operation Bananarama” will be huge.
What are you saying?
-If you wanted-- -Shh!
Trying to be hip--
-You're so-- -Shh!
If we could put aside the family squabbling...
I think we could get down to some serious business here.
-Really? -Yeah.
I don't like that insolent tone.
-l meant nothing by it. -You want to run things?
No, not at all.
You want to be Daddy, is that it?
Number Two, you want to wear the Daddy pants?
You gonna cry?
What are you doing?
Are you gonna squirt some? You gonna cry?
See, you were gonna cry. You're a big man now, huh?
Yeah, thought so.
About what happened last night--
You don't have to explain.
You don't understand. You see...
I’ve lost my mojo.
Oh, so that's why you--
I thought you didn't like me.
Oh, no, baby. You're very shagadelic.
I just didn't want to fall in love again...
and I thought you'd never love me without my mojo.
It’s not you.
You're fab, switched on, a bit of all right. Yes!
That is so great.
There's something I should tell you, too.
Last night, I planted a homing device on Fat Bastard.
Smashing, baby.
Then we can track down Fat Bastard...
get my mojo, go back to my place...
hop on the good foot and do the bad thing. Yes!
But there's more.
In order to get close to Fat Bastard, I had to--
Hello, hello. The signal's coming through.
He's at Paddington Station.
Let's go!
-We're close, baby. -This way.
Straight--no, no, left. Through here.
We've got him.
Private, bring up the ram.
Go, go, go!
Where is he?
Oh, my God!
Fat Bastard left a floater!
In the name of all things sacred...
that is the most foul-smelling thing ever!
Somebody flush it down!
No, nobody touch anything.
We have to get the sample to the lab to be analyzed.
I’m gonna give.
Austin, there you are.
Has the sample been analyzed?
Cor, baby. You look very shagadelic!
But do we really have to be here, Felicity?
I mean, it's so boring.
I don't believe in science.
When it comes to the spy game, to me, it's all instinct.
-Hello, everybody. -Hello, Basil.
The results are in.
We've discovered trace elements of a rare vegetable...
found only on one island, here, in the Caribbean.
What does it all mean, Basil?
It means that this is the location of Dr. Evil's lair.
Smashing, Basil.
Cor! This coffee smells like shit.
It is shit, Austin.
Oh, good, then it's not just me.
It’s a bit nutty.
Excuse me, Dr. Evil.
I have to speak to you about this Mini-Me.
He's not fitting in?
Is he giving off too much of a creepy Oompa Loompa vibe?
No, it's just that he bites.
He's a biter.
What's wrong, Mini-Me?
Something you want to tell us?
Teething.
Get me the president of the United States of America!
Oh, he's on.
What do you want, Dr. Evil?
Mr. President, in twelve hours...
I will destroy Washington D.C. with this giant “laser.”
What the--?
Mini-Me, stop humping the laser.
OK, honest to God...
why don't you and the giant laser get a frickin' room?
Mr. President, after I destroy Washington D.C...
I will destroy another major city every hour on the hour.
That is, unless, of course, you pay me...
one hundred billion dollars.
Dr. Evil, this is 1969.
That amount of money doesn't even exist.
That's like saying, “l want a kajillion bajillion dollars.”
Come on, Mr. President, show me the money.
Show you what money?
Show me the money, show me the money.
You had me at hello. Tear. Nothing? No?
Psst! It’s 1969.
”Jerry Maguire” won't come out for another thirty years.
Nobody knows what you're talking about, ass.
Scott, Daddy's working, OK?
And when you're in the main chamber...
try and use the big boy voice, OK?
Thank you.
Mr. President, allow me to demonstrate...
the awesome lethality of the Alan Parsons Project.
Fire the laser!
Damage report! Damage report!
It’s OK. It’s all right. Come on.
Actually, that was footage from “Independence Day...”
but the real laser would be a lot like that.
Yeah, scary.
Now, Dr. Evil--
Talk to the hand, 'cause the face don't want to hear it.
What hand? Talk to your hand?
You ain't all that and a bag of potato chips.
What are you talking about?
Don't go there, girlfriend.
Whose girlfriend?
Don't mess with me, I’m one crazy mo-fo.
I had to pop a cop...
'cause he wasn't giving me my props in Oaktown.
No? I heard that somewhere.
You're an idiot.
Mr. President, I think we have an understanding.
Dr. Evil, what are our plans regarding Austin Powers?
Austin Powers? He's the snake to my mongoose.
Or the mongoose to my snake. Either way, it's bad.
I don't know animals.
But I do know this--
This time it's personal.
Kill him.
There's Dr. Evil's island.
Let's set up camp.
Be careful with that bag!
There's explosives in it.
This could be dangerous.
What if God was one of us?
Just a slob like one of us
Well done, very good.
Dr. Evil, that was fantastic.
Thank you, Number Two.
I wrote that, yeah.
Dad, he put this in my bed.
Who?
Your stupid mini-you.
He put road kill in my sheets!
What--Mini-Me, don't you ever do that again.
You hear me, don't you ever do that again!
I can't stay mad at you.
Look at that punum.
Dr. Evil's headquarters is right over that next ridge.
Let me look.
Damn it. How do we get in?
Hello, Mummy. Can I have some chocolates?
I want some Mars Bars.
Don't smack my bottom, Mummy.
Sorry, love.
I got stuck in your dirty pillows.
Let's look at the map.
Austin, what's our plan?
According to this map...
the entire island is crawling with Dr. Evil's guards.
I want to make sure the explosives didn't get wet...
but I can't find them.
Look in the bottom.
OK, I’ll dig a little deeper.
Wow, this bag is really full.
Just keep digging, darling.
I’ll just feel around for them.
Good lord, Austin.
What do you keep in here?
Anything that catches my fancy, you know.
Give it a good tug.
Do we really need this?
I’ll ask you not to open that inside, thank you very much.
Oh, my God.
Oops, it went off.
Yes, it does that from time to time.
Eww. Yuck.
Yeah, that's nasty.
Yeah, sorry about that.
Smelly.
These people make me sick.
Can you snap me a beer?
What is it?
It’s a gerbil.
How did that get in your bag?
I don't know.
Dr. Evil, we have a problem.
Austin Powers is on the island.
Bring him to me...alive.
You.
Hit it!
This is a very sensitive subject.
Just the two of us
From the moment I heard Frau say I had a clone
I knew that I'd be safe 'cause I'd never be alone
An evil doctor shouldn't speak aloud about his feelings
My hurt and my pain don't make me too appealin'
I’d hoped Scott would look up to me
Run the business of the family
Head an evil empire just like his dear old dad
Give him my love and the things I never had
Scott would think I was a cool guy
Return the love I have, make me want to cry
Be evil, but have my feelings, too
Change my life with Oprah and Maya Angelou
But Scott rejected me, c'est la vie
Life is cruel, treats you unfairly
Even so, a God there must be
Mini-Me, you complete me
Just the two of us
We can make it if we try
Just the two of us
Building castles in the sky
Just the two of us
You and l
You've got this packed really tight.
Are you OK?
Yeah, I just got a bit of a back cramp, that's all.
Just keep packing it in.
God.
I found the explosives.
Help me check them.
You're surrounded! Drop your weapons!
Hands up!
Move out!
Ladies and gentlemen, in just a few moments...
we're going to place a giant “laser” on the moon.
From my “Death Star...”
I will destroy every city on the planet.
Get off of me.
Ah, Mr. Powers, Ms. Shagwell...
welcome to my hollowed-out volcano.
This is my associate Fat Bastard.
Felicity, I think you two may have already “met.”
Unfortunately.
Is that all the thanks I get for the night of hot sex?
I’m dead sexy.
You were crap!
In your dreams.
Felicity would never sleep with you.
Right?
I did what I had to do.
I’m a secret agent.
What?
All right, that's enough, Fat Bastard.
As much as I like seeing Powers in agony--
and I do--
the thought of you naked is just gross.
You can't stop me now, Mr. Powers.
I have your mojo...
and I’m taking it with me to the moon.
Put them in a jail cell.
My mojo! I’ll get you, Dr. Evil!
Look at me, I’m shaking in my little space boots.
I want my mojo!
Great plan, Einstein.
You're gonna put him in a cell with one inept guard...
and they'll escape!
God, you do this every time!
You know, Scott...
I’ve been a frickin' evil doctor for thirty frickin' years, OK?
Cut me some frickin' slack.
You forget, Scott, we're in a volcano.
We're surrounded by liquid hot magma.
What are you drawing?
It’s just a good-bye card, that's all.
It’s sweet.
Hey, get him. Get the baby!
Back off.
Simmer down. Simmer down.
He's my posse.
You take special care of him.
He's my special boy.
Attention, prepare for launch.
Repeat, all technicians to launch position.
Gentlemen, I’m about to go to the moon.
Initiate pre-launch sequence.
Main rocket engines, ignition.
Frau...
begin the countdown.
Five...four...
three...two--
Frau! Begin the countdown at thirty.
Thirty!
twenty-nine...twenty-eight...
twenty-seven...
twenty-six...twenty-five...
twenty-four...twenty-three...
twenty-two...twenty-one...
twenty...nineteen...
eighteen....
seventeen...sixteen...
fifteen...fourteen...thirteen--
You know what? When the doors close...
just say “go.” Better.
Go!
Colonel, you better take a look at this radar.
What is it, son?
I don't know, sir.
But it looks like a giant--
-Dick! -Yeah?
Take a look out of starboard.
Oh, my God, it looks like a huge--
-Pecker! -Oh, where?
Wait, that's not a woodpecker.
It looks like someone's--
Privates!
We have reports of an unidentified flying object.
It is a long, smooth shaft, complete with--
Two balls! What is that?
That looks just like an enormous--
Wang! Pay attention.
I was distracted by that enormous flying--
-Willie... -Yeah?
What's that?
Well, it looks like a giant--
-Johnson?! -Yes, sir.
Call British Intelligence and let them know about this.
What do we do?
Why don't you just shag Fat Bastard again?
This is no time to get jealous.
How could you do it?
I was just doing my job.
No, I mean literally, how could you do it?
The man's so fat...
the sheer mechanics of it are mind-boggling.
Don't lay your hang-ups on me, just 'cause you lost your mojo.
Ouch, baby.
Very ouch.
Look, Austin, we're running out of time.
I’m sorry.
I just did what I thought you would do in the same situation.
You're the reason that I became a spy.
I thought I wanted to be you, but then I realized that...
I want to be with you.
You do?
Hang on, baby.
Alleyoop!
We should talk about this later.
First we need to get past that one inept guard.
Right, here's the plan.
What if I pretend to be ill with food poisoning?
The guard, drawn by my cries of pain, comes to investigate.
Meanwhile, you dig a pit...
line it with makeshift punji sticks...
made from sharpened toothbrushes.
The guard falls in, Bob's your uncle, we escape.
What do you think?
That might work, but what about this?
What do you think of these?
Mommy.
What a...burn?
That sort of thing could get a man...fired.
I think he was...
hot...for...you.
-That's enough. -Yeah.
Ladies and gentlemen, welcome to my moon base.
You've all been chosen to be part of my elite moon unit.
Which is divided into two divisions...
Moon Unit Alpha...
and Moon Unit Zappa.
In exactly six hours...
the moon will move in its orbit around the earth...
bringing Washington D.C. within range of my giant...
”laser.”
Begin “laser...”
ignition sequence.
Begin laser ignition!
Attention, Moon Unit Zappa to firing stations.
Initiation sequence in progress.
OK, all right.
All I asked for was a frickin' rotating chair, OK?
Getting a little afraid.
I need an old priest and a young priest.
The power of Christ compels you.
Sick as a dog now.
Gonna vomit.
We need to hitch a ride to the moon, baby.
Apollo Eleven is good to go.
Crew to all stations.
We will have liftoff in T minus five seconds...
four...three...two.
We have liftoff.
Apollo Eleven has cleared the tower...
and is heading for a rendezvous with the moon.
Arm the “laser.”
Arming the laser!
Attention, arming the Death Star.
Battle stations.
Laser on!
All crew at battle stations.
Get me the president.
You're gonna like this part, Mini-Me.
This is the part where we threaten the world leader.
I know we do it every time, however it is important to--
Where are you?
Can someone put a frickin' bell on him or something?
Great!
Somebody get the stick.
Just grab on to the hook, all right?
You complete me.
I love you.
Hang in there, Mini-Me.
If anything should happen to you...
I don't know what I would do.
I’d probably move on, get another replica.
But there'd be a ten-minute period there...
when I would just be inconsolable.
We have your money, Dr. Evil, but it wasn't easy.
Papa has to do some work, OK?
Well, you have exactly thirty minutes to get it to me.
Ciao.
Jiminy jumpin' Jesus,
I can't believe we're gonna pay that madman.
I got nukes up the ying-yang.
Just let me launch one, for God's sake.
Are you suggesting that we blow up the moon?
Would you miss it?
Mission control, the swinger has landed.
Airlock, open.
Re-pressurize.
Let's find Dr. Evil.
Enjoy your stay on the moon.
There he is.
I’ll cover your rear.
No, you go ahead.
This time it's personal.
No more. I can't take it anymore.
Peace?
You brought my glasses.
Bless your little heart.
Well, that's not right.
Don't--That's just-- Now I’m pissed.
Judo flip!
Poor little bugger.
He's so small.
He's like a dog or something.
Poor little bugger.
Get off!
Get out of my suit!
It tickles. It tickles.
Gotcha!
Poor little bugger.
I salute you.
All right, slap-head.
Turn around.
Where's my mojo?
Well, it looks like you have a choice, Mr. Powers--
save the world...
or save your girlfriend.
Don't worry about me, Austin.
You've got to save the world.
Kill him!
Fire the “laser.”
Target locking.
God!
Laser set to full vitality.
Judo kick!
You may have won the battle, Mr. Powers...
but you lost the war.
Wake up, Felicity. Wake up!
Escape pod ninety-five.
I love you, Felicity.
I love you.
Dr. Evil! I’ll kill him!
Gotcha!
You shot me, you a-hole.
And now I’m going to kill you.
Before you do that...
know this...
I am your father.
Really?
No, not really.
I can't back that up.
Right. Idiot. Yes.
But isn't it interesting, Mr. Powers...
that you would rather kill me...
than save your precious Felicity?
What do you mean?
Remember, there's a time portal in the main chamber.
You could go back and save her.
I’ll do that.
Good work!
Well, it looks like you have a choice, Mr. Powers--
save the world or save your girlfriend.
Don't worry about me, Austin.
You gotta save the world.
I choose love, baby.
Wait a tick. Who are you?
I’m you, ten minutes from now.
Damn it! You are handsome.
I was just thinking the same.
We are sexy.
We are sexy bitches. Yeah!
All right. This is ri-goddamn-diculous.
Kill them both!
Fire the “laser.”
Listen, past Austin...
can you save the world while I go get the girl?
Sure, Austin-from- ten-minutes-from-now.
Lock in target.
Laser set to full vitality.
Come on. Are you all right? Yeah, come on.
You all right?
You OK?
Say, what's the policy on ménage a trois?
You are adorable!
Looking for this, Mr. Powers?
My mojo.
Self-destruct in two minutes and counting.
Watch out!
See you in hell, Powers.
Hey, Austin-from- ten-minutes-from-now!
This place is gonna blow. Let's go. Come on.
Thirty seconds and counting. Twenty-nine...
-Let's go. -My mojo!
We have to go now.
My mojo. I’m useless without it.
You've had it all along.
What do you mean?
You defeated Dr. Evil, you saved the world...
and believe me, you're gonna get the girl.
All right then, maybe later.
Yeah, come on.
Go!
I’ll set the controls for 1967.
Felicity, why don't you come with me to 1999?
I don't know. The Sixties were so groovy.
I want to see what happens in the Seventies and Eighties.
The Seventies and the Eighties?
You're not missing anything. I looked into it.
There's a gas shortage and a Flock of Seagulls.
That's about it.
Let's go.
I love you, Austin Powers.
And I love you, Felicity Shagwell.
Wherever we go...
there we are.
Special delivery.
Surprise, surprise.
Listen, missy, do you fancy another go?
'Cause once you've had fat, you never go back.
You shut your mouth, you bastard...
who is fat.
Yeah, that's very good.
Before you kill us, let me ask you one question.
Are you happy?
What kind of stupid ass question is that?
I’m rich, and I’m dead sexy.
You didn't answer my question.
Are you happy?
Of course I’m not happy.
Look at me, I’m a big fat slob.
I’ve got bigger titties than you do.
I’ve got more chins than a Chinese phone book.
I’ve not seen my willie in two years...
which is long enough to declare it legally dead.
I can't stop eating.
I eat because I’m unhappy.
I’m unhappy because I eat.
It’s a vicious cycle.
If you'll excuse me...
there's someone I have to get in touch with and forgive.
Myself.
Oh, God.
Sorry, I farted.
It’s a long road ahead.
Who am I kidding?
I’m going to kill you anyway.
Judo chop!
Right in the mommy-daddy button!
That's for calling me crap, you fatty.
Listen, baby, I don't care if he is a Fat Bastard...
you don't give a man a shot in the pills.
It’s just not cricket.
Do you think I’ll be happy here in the Nineties?
Well, I know the Nineties might sound boring...
but as far as I’m concerned...
I’ve brought the best part of the Sixties back with me.
You.
Wait a minute.
Where are you going?
Did we get Dr. Evil?
No. He got away in that rocket that looks like a huge...
Penis.
The male reproductive organ.
Also known as tally whacker, schlong, or...
Wiener?
Any of you kids want another wiener?
Dad, what's that?
I don't know, son, but it's got great big...
Nuts! Hot, salty nuts!
Who wants some? Lord almighty!
That looks just like my husband's...
One-eyed monster.
Step right up and see the one-eyed monster!
Hey, what's that?
It looks like a big...
Woody! Woody Harrelson?
Can I have your autograph?
Sure, no problem.
Oh, my Lord. Look at that thing.
It’s so big.
I’ve seen bigger. That's...
Just a little prick.
It’s a flu shot.
You've been in the coldness of space.
I don't want you to get sick.
It’s one thing to attack me.
It’s quite another to attack my Mini-Me.
I’m gonna get you, Austin Powers.
I’m gonna get you.
Thank you. Welcome back. Today we're doing a follow-up...
to a segment we did several months ago...
on “Fathers who are trying to take over the world.”
Let's begin with Scott Evil.
What's going on with your dad?
Well, my dad tried to take over the world...
with a giant laser on the moon.
I know.
We have a surprise for you.
What, my dad?
No, it's not your father. It’s your mother.
Come on out.
Mom?
Scott, you are my love child with Dr. Evil.
I thought I was a test-tube baby.
Lies. All lies!
I love you, Mom.
I love you, too, son.
Thank you.
You know, what have we learned here today?
Perhaps it's that no one can take your mojo.
You can look around all you want...
but what you're really trying to find is on the inside.
Take care of yourself and each other.
I think I’m gonna like it in the Nineties.
I never knew it could be this way!
Oh, baby, baby, baby.
That's good.
How could you?
I thought that--
Past Austin?
Technically, it's not cheating, baby.
Felicity, I can't blame you.
The man is handsome, baby!
We're just plain handsome, man.
Am I wrong, but this makes me horny, baby.
Very randy!
Well, one thing's for sure--
I’ve got my mojo back.
It’s definitely back.
Hello. You all right?
Me spuds are boiling.
Come on, darling, let's hop on the good foot...
and do the bad thing.
Paging Dr. Freud.
Hello up there.
Is the movie over?
I’m still down here...
and I’m still in quite a lot of pain.
Maybe someone in the lobby could call an ambulance.
Oh, the pain is really quite severe.
I've fashioned a makeshift splint.
Here goes nothing.